(FREDERICTON, NB) You rarely see Lauren Kelly without a smile on her face.
She hardly goes more than a few minutes without a chuckle or a laugh.
She’s that kind of person.
So, to learn that the out-going first-year keeper with the UNB Reds women’s soccer team is dealing with anxiety and depression may come as a shock.
“I’m a happy person most of the time, but I am dealing with an illness every day,” says Kelly. “It’s not just like, on Sundays I’m upset and Tuesdays are happy days, it’s really unpredictable, and you can never tell what’s going to happen. The smallest little thing can just off-set you.”
The 18-year-old Bachelor of Science student says her depression and anxiety have likely been with her for a while, but only recently did she admit it to anyone, including herself.
“I didn’t want to admit that this is what was wrong with me,” she says. “But, I was adamant, and I said I need to get help and I need to go see someone, and since then I’ve had just the greatest support system.”
Like others who struggle with mental illnesses, Kelly was worried about what people would think. How they’d look at her. How they’d treat her.
“I was really scared to tell anyone, because I didn’t want the way people see me to change,” she says. “I didn’t want them to see me as weak or inferior, because I have a mental illness. That’s kind of why I never wanted to say ‘I think this is what it is’.”
While she can acknowledge her mental illness, it’s still hard for Kelly to describe exactly what it is she experiences.
“It’s just really confusing. Some days, you’ll have the greatest day. Then, all of a sudden, it’s like you just feel… a lot of times when people think of depression and anxiety it’s like constant sadness, but for me it’s almost like you don’t feel anything. Sometimes, I’ll be really, really happy, really excited, and it’s just like, whoa. You can feel yourself not feeling right, and that’s kind of how I would explain it, but it’s a really hard situation to put into words.”
Kelly sought help, and continues to need help. Admitting her illness has helped, as has the reactions of those closest to her.
As a first-year student-athlete, she’s excited about Bell Let’s Talk Day, on January 30th. She sees it as an avenue to continue her self-healing and help others.
“I want people, probably in a state similar to how I was, to know that everything is going to be okay, at some point,” says Kelly. “Maybe not right now, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but, at some point, everything will be okay and that’s kind of how I think Bell Let’s Talk is working.”
On January 30th, for the fourth consecutive year, the Reds will partner with Atlantic University Sport, U SPORTS and Bell Let’s Talk to help raise awareness and funds to support mental health initiatives in Canada.
The Reds women’s hockey team will host Moncton on January 30th. The game will have a Bell Let’s Talk theme, and student-athletes will be urged to speak about mental illness and, via social media, help in a national fund-raising effort.
UNB’s men’s hockey team will participate in a similar themed game, in Moncton, on the same night.
“It’s trying to end the stigma, trying to make people with mental illness feel better and feel more accepted, because there always has been a stigma with it, however Bell Let’s Talk is trying to end the stigma and that’s just so inspiring,” says Kelly.
Kelly feels lucky to have the love and support of family and friends. She says it’s what she’s leaned on, on her darkest days.
That family, and those friends, include her teammates and coaches.
“I have the best 24 girls ever,” she says. “They just are so supportive, every day.”
“I had a talk with three of my coaches, just the other day, and I said I’ve not been feeling the greatest lately, like I’ve been struggling over the break and I just wanted to let you guys know that, and they said ‘a better me is a better we’.”
“Every illness or injury is unique, and you support it accordingly based on the individual,” says Reds women’s soccer coach Jon Crossland. “Mental illness is more difficult as there isn’t always a visual on how things are progressing.”
Crossland says Kelly has been open about her illness from the beginning, and believes that’s made it easy for him, and Lauren’s teammates, to support her.
“She’s going to have good days, bad days, good moments, bad moments, and we want her to feel supported and cared for,” says Crossland. “Her openness to sharing her mental health issues and struggles has helped me and the team know how to help her. We’re glad she does talk about it, because the stigma of not talking about it or asking for help is the barrier we all want to break down when it comes to mental health.”
Reds keepers coach George Lucas is someone Kelly has turned to frequently for help over the years.
For almost a decade, he’s provided technical instruction and guidance as Kelly has worked to hone her goalkeeping skills.
He was also one of the first people Kelly turned to for help with her mental illness.
“I told Lauren that what she was going through was similar to a physical injury,” says Lucas. “Coming back from something that affects us requires us to seek help from professionals and peers. Knowledge and experience are what help us in the healing.”
Kelly admits she has her moments, but she says things are getting better.
“It’s like a curve, I guess. It’s not like a straight line to health, to happiness. It’s like up and down and up and down all the time, but it gets better,” she says. “It’s going to get better and you can find people that will help you, and I think that’s really important, just knowing that there’s people out there, as much as you think that nobody understands that you’re alone and that you’re crazy, you’re not, there’s so many people that understand, and that’s really important.”